What to do when your roommate drives you crazy

Do best friends make the best college roommates? Not always! It’s amazing how the quirky things you used to like about your best friend can begin to drive you crazy when you’re around it 24/7. Just because you’ve been friends since grade school doesn’t mean you should live together at college.

Dana, a 19-year-old freshman, knows all about this. She now regrets her decision to room with her best friend. “I never realized how hard it would be to be around her all the time. We fight so much that I’m afraid we won’t be friends after this,” she says.

Living together is way different than hanging out a lot. It’s a mistake to assume that everything will be fine just because you have a history. Here are some things you and your best friend should talk about before you commit to being roomies. 

Expect things to change
College is about growing and making new friends. Only hanging out with your best friend at your transfer school can hold both of you back. All it takes is one “You didn’t used to be that way” to feel trapped. Are you OK with your best friend spending less time with you and more time with new friends? Talk about how you’d deal with this and if you expect to be included or not.

Set ground rules
A roommate relationship takes friendship to a whole new level because now it involves sharing space, time and decision-making. If you don’t establish boundaries with your friend like you would with someone you don’t know as well, it’s easy to cross the line. How will you handle cleaning, bills and study time? Is it all right to borrow clothes and other personal items? When is it OK to have guests over? Decide these things ahead of time.

Make room for dating
You may have promised to hang out together, but a cute date can change all that! It’s hard not to feel jealous when you’re the one left out in the cold. Does your friend expect you to leave the room whenever he or she wants alone time with a new date? Both of you deserve to have a say in who gets private time in the room and what you think is fair.

Prepare for stress
College can be stressful, with the demands of studying, social pressures, working, and maybe even a little homesickness. It can cause even the best of friends to take it out on each other. Support one another by suggesting healthy ways to let off a little steam—like exercising, going to a movie, talking or giving the other person a little space.

Fight fair
When issues come up, deal with them right away. Don’t expect your friend to know what’s bugging you just because you’ve known each other a long time. No one is a mind reader. Giving the silent treatment or having IM arguments can make a semester seem like a lifetime! Plus, it’s hard to avoid someone who lives four feet away.

Rooming with your best friend can be a positive experience—as long as both of you agree upfront how you’ll handle these situations. It can be reassuring to room with someone who understands and accepts you, rather than starting from scratch with a person you’ve never met. On the other hand, rooming with a different person gives you a chance to experience something totally new and possibly make another great friend. And if your new roomie ever gets on your nerves, you can always go visit your best friend!

Susan Fee is a licensed counselor and the author of "My Roommate is Driving Me Crazy! Solve Conflicts, Set Boundaries, and Survive the Roommate from Hell."