You’ll hear stories. You’ll share stories. There’s drama. There’s intrigue. There’s the need to dig deep to figure out a survival strategy. Will you survive the res halls?
Fasten your seatbelt and prepare for a ride—some days are smooth, others are rocky. The life of a first-year student living in a residence is filled with mixed emotions and distractions.
Back in mid-November, a marine biology major named Jessie came into my office feeling down. What was wrong? “No one invites me to dinner. And when I invite myself, they treat me like I am invisible,” she said.
Fast forward four days, and in walks Kali. She is sitting in my office, the same seat as Jessie four days earlier. She describes the same “no one invites me to dinner” scenario. “I like my classes and the school, but I am lonely,” she said. I thought to myself, “If I could only get these two girls together to chat, have lunch, maybe even dinner.”
“Kali,” I asked, “where do you live?” As she responded, I checked Jessie’s file from earlier in the week. These two girls had been living in the same hall for nine weeks and had not said so much as hello to one another!
I asked Kali if she knew a girl named Jessie in her dorm. “Yes; I don’t think she likes it either. It’s loud and there’s a big clique.” I asked why Kali has never talked to Jessie or tried to hang out with her. “I live on one side, she lives on the other.”
“Kali, how can you not cross paths? I’ll bet you live maybe six or seven doors away?”
“Actually, probably five doors,” she responded. “But I am not good at meeting people and striking up a conversation.”
There was the key. I was not seeing a whole lot of trying from either of these girls. They didn’t know that the keys to surviving your first residence hall experience are courtesy, respect, flexibility and courage.
Courtesy
Leaving dirty dishes in the bathroom sink; playing music more loudly than needed; borrowing stuff without asking; and inviting three friends from home for the weekend without checking with your roommate all issues that display a lack of courtesy. Wonder why you aren’t getting along with your new roommate? Ask yourself how many times you’ve blown the common courtesy code.
Respect
Ask before you borrow a sweater. Don’t use your roommate’s computer to check e-mail without checking first. Ask what time your roommate likes to get to sleep before bringing in your friends from down the hall. Respect, like courtesy, is rooted in what we care to know about people and their comfort levels. You’ll see a great lack of respect from some dorm mates and a whole lot from others. Most of you will be living in mixed-gender residence halls. Girls without brothers may not be familiar with boys’ bathroom habits. Boys without sisters may not be ready for the “drama” attached to girls living together. Be patient and have respect!
Flexibility
You are having a study group in your room at 7, but your roommate came home from class with a sore throat and headache. The flexible thing to do is to meet your study group somewhere else and let your roommate sleep. You promised your roommate you’d take the bus into town for a Starbucks. But she called you after class and can’t go for another hour so she can talk to her professor after class. Be flexible if your schedule allows and just wait. It shows you care enough to be with your roommate and can rearrange your plans. What if the cafeteria offers a menu you’re not thrilled with one night? Can you salvage something out of the offerings? Be flexible. Graciously accept the offer and enjoy the meal as best you can. Everyone has the right to be fussy to some degree and expect the best. But learn to be graceful about things and accept what comes your way.
Courage
Courage comes from the deepest part of ourselves, and it demands that we must pull from someplace inside to get through a tough situation.
You play the primary role in your own satisfaction and happiness. Don’t be afraid to speak up, to ask for help, to invite someone to join you for lunch. Knock on someone’s door and ask to borrow a CD. Each instance of courage, of reaching out, has the potential to reap a reward: a lunch partner, a shared conversation in the laundry room, a new friend! Small acts of courage give you control of your own happiness.
At the end of your first year, you will have been exposed to opportunities to sharpen your courtesy, respect, flexibility and courage. How you receive these opportunities—and what you learn from them—is also up to you!
Lisa Bauer, a former adjunct professor for writing studies, now provides support services and academic programs to freshman, her favorite population on campus!
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