Get along with your parents

“My parents don’t understand me!”

You might assume that a lack of understanding is your parents’ problem alone. In truth, both you and your parents have contributed to whatever state your relationship is in, for better or worse.
So what can you do to build a better relationship with your parents?

In a word, you can initiate connections.

Here are some ideas.

Make a date
Connect with your parents as individuals, not just as a parental unit. Recognize that you have a different relationship with your dad than you do with your mom, and try to spend time with each parent individually.

Ask yourself how each of your parents uses free time, then offer to join in.

Raking leaves, baking cookies or running errands with your mom or dad not only makes the work lighter, it gives you a chance to catch up and communicate.

Invite them out
Most parents assume you don’t want to spend time with them. Asking your mom or dad to shoot hoops, go for a walk or play cards opens the possibility for increasing the comfort and ease in your relationship.

When’s the last time you invited your father to a weekend breakfast at a local diner? What would happen if you asked your mom if you and she could schedule a dinner out, just the two of you? I have had some important conversations with each of my three children over chocolate chip pancakes!

Learn about your parents
Besides working, playing and eating with your parents individually, make an effort to strengthen your communication patterns.

Asking personal questions of them and sharing something personal about yourself are two good ways to increase open and honest communication in a relationship.

How would either parent respond if you asked:

 • What have you done in life that you are most proud of?

 • What is your biggest regret?

 • When was your first kiss?

 • Were you ever in a fight as a kid?

Most communication—even in families—tends to be superficial, so deeper questions might initially catch your parents off guard. But you might discover they enjoy and appreciate being asked about themselves.

Let your parents in
The flip side of asking your parents questions is sharing about yourself in an effort to “let your parents in.” Here are some sample messages that can help you connect with your parents.

 • I am having a hard time with my science teacher.

 • I don’t know what to do when one of my friends gossips to me about another.

 • I would love to go skiing with you sometime.

 • I am really confused about college, and I need some time to talk to you about it.

 • I am not in a good mood lately, and I have no idea why.

There are many steps you can take to build a stronger relationship with your parents. One of the unmistakable signs of growing up is that you are willing to share the responsibility for keeping the communication open and real.

John J. Engels is president of Leadership Coaching, Inc. (leadershipcoachinginc.com) in Rochester, N.Y.