It was a few days ago i had a conversation with one of my good friends. We always like to discuss life and what not. I said to her, "you know if you don't always look up you'll spend your whole life stareing at the ground." If only i could take that advice.
I was born october sixteenth nineteen - eighty seven. My mother was only seventeen years old and no one could tell me where my father was. I grew up all over the place. Baltimore, Needmore, PA, all around maryland pretty much. It wasn't until i was about thirteen years old and three younger brothers later till we finally settled down in Bel Air, Maryland. It's a nice little town i guess, not very much to do but oh well. Around this same time i was diagnosed with A.D.D. and Bipolar II Disorder. Little did i know then that it would come to command my life.
Here i am now nineteen years old, a wonderful girlfriend and an alright life....alright. There had been many times through out my life where i have just wanted to die. Usually it was over pretty stupid things, mostly love. Im stuck right now with a GED and no hope for being able to afford college. I can't make any of my bills and im pretty much in the deepest hole i could possibly be in right now. I go to sleep every night hoping to wake up and everything be better....usually crying myself to sleep. I wake up every morning hoping for something better, it never happens. Honestly if it wasn't for my girlfriend i would probably not be writing this right now. I'd be beneath the earth most likely.
I guess it comes down to this. When i cry i think of my past and all the pain, all the hard times, and then i cry harder. When im happy i don't think at all and it just makes things worse. I can't hold a job for more then 90 days because of my manic depression, and i can't work around it. I wish i could just always look up, but how can I when the ground beneath my feet is coming out from under me more and more everyday. For people that are more fortunate then I, I envy you, never take anything for granted. This is my life.