I had a real good best friend or at least that was what I thought. Everything changed because of one stupid mistake: I held my feelings and realized my feelings too late.
My best friend was the greatest: talented, smart, funny, and I developed a crush on her but there was one problem.
I was a girl too.
I grew up in a conservative Republican family, and both my parents were mega anti-gays especially my father. “If you're gay! You go straight to hell! It's in the bible!” Those were the words that came out of his mouth every time the homosexual topic was brought up on the news. Also, to make the matter worse, my twin brother was a super homophobe, and he already thought I was a freak enough.
Homosexuality. That didn't really describe me. I was attracted to men, not women but my best friend was a girl, and I liked her. I honestly didn't get it. I thought that maybe it was just a uncanny phase of being a teenager, and it would just go away.
It didn't.
The feelings only got stronger; the confusion only got worse.
I don't like her like that. I don't like her like that.
All this confusion was a tempest storming and the debris were my thoughts just flying around in million bits of questions, piercing my brain and blocking my dendrites.
What would happened if my best friend out found out I have feelings for her? Will she judge me? Will she stop being my best friend? Will she treat me differently if I told her? And what about my parents who are so up the butt on sexuality? What will happened if they found out? Will they disowned me? Will they be disappointed in me? Will they never look at me the same again?
Each thought hurt. Each scenario my brain developed only got worse and worse with each one.
I don't like her like that. I don't like her like that.
I was suppose to have everything figured out here. I was an analytical thinker, a problem solver, a drama totem pole, a logical student! But why? Why could I not figure out this whole girl crush on my best friend?
I don't like her like that. I don't like her like that.
Finally, a slap to the face occurred.
My best friend found someone and that person...
She was a girl.
My heart just stopped. My brain just froze. My whole body just gave out. I didn't want to believe it. My best friend was with another girl. She never told me that she was sexually attracted to girls. I thought she was straight. I thought I was straight.
After my best friend confessed of having a girlfriend, our friendship just fell apart and my raging jealousy was the start of it. I was just so hurt, so sad. I never realized that she had a sexual attraction to girls. I had a chance with her, didn't I? My best friend said to me that she had a crush on me as well but she grew tired of holding out for me, so she went to find someone else and sure enough she did find that person.
Fights and fights just kept blazing between us like the Great Chicago Fire. She blamed everything on me, and honestly, I started to believe that it was all my fault. All because of that one stupid mistake. All because I was sexually confused. All because I realized my feelings a little too late.
Finally, our friendship just ended, but her hurtful words did not remain silent.
Right behind my back, I would hear her spread the bad “flaws” about me: “Oh, she's a liar.” “Oh, she's a hypocrite.” “Oh, I hate her so.” “Oh, she's a terrible person.”
I didn't understand why she was saying these awful things about me. I tried to make everything right with her. I apologized to her countless of times. I tried to be friends with her. I let her do whatever she wanted with me. I let her scream at me, I let her fight with me, I let her hurt me. I didn't know what else I could have possibly have given her. I gave her everything.
And that was when it struck me.
She never been a good friend to me.
She manipulated me into getting her things she wanted or providing services she wanted. She controlled who I could and couldn't hang out with. She made me check up with her every time I went out. She made me sit with her friends; not mine. She didn't even bother to meet with my friends. She was always “right” and I was always “wrong.” She guilt tripped me, and I was always the one that had to apologize. She just used me; I was her handy tool, she just controlled me; I was her puppet.
Maybe this whole girl crush incident was God's way of telling me that she was not a good enough person to me as a girlfriend and a friend.
However, even though she was a terrible friend to me, I learned a very valuable lesson from her. Actually, two valuable lessons. Number one: Don't you ever suppressed your feelings, just let it out from your heart, and number two: just be yourself.
I may have lost my best friend but I did find someone else.
Me.