Death and Depression
Prologue:
The summer after my seventh grade year, I went on a trip across the world. This trip went across the globe to Australia, New Zealand and Fuji, but that’s not why I’m telling you my story. I’ll save that for another time and place, but this time I will tell you how and why I changed into the person I am today.
I will remember the moment my life changed forever. My mother had traveled by car all the way from Pineland, to Houston, Texas. “Ce’Nandra!” Someone yelled. I turned around in the airport terminal, and ran towards her, after I realized the “she” was my mom, and gave her a hug. Then I realized what she actually looked like, she wore baggy clothes, had blood shot eyes, no makeup on, and looked at least a decade older than she actually was.
She proceeded to tell me what I almost, already knew, that something heart-stopping horrible had happened. “Ce’Nandra, we need to get to Colorado as soon as possible, your Grandmother Susan is dying.
I couldn’t believe it, shouldn’t I be happy? I mean, I just got home from across the globe. I had made friends, did things that admittedly, almost no one my age had gotten to do, but proceeded to walk in the airport as if nothing had happened, with an unreadable face, to hide my inner turmoil.
Chapter 1: Race Against Time
“Please fasten your seatbelts; we are about to land in Denver International Airport in twenty minutes. Thank you for flying Continental, and have a nice day.” the usual monotonous voice over the loud speaker woke me up from my light nap. I immediately started to organize my books, and other various items back into my purse.
As the plane landed, there was some slight turbulence, but the plane slowly evened out. Flashes of different people and I doing diverse tasks without any enthusiasm, replayed over and over in my head; I could not get out of my shell-shocked state of mind. The security through the airport was easy, and familiar to me, but it was slow and left my mind to wander.
I could not help, but think and question myself, over and over. Questions like…. Were we too late? Is she in pain? What happened? How did this happen? When did this happen? These questions cycled around in my head until they made me dizzy and slightly nauseous.
I looked over at my mother beside me, and again did not say anything for fear that my questions would become reality. The way my mother looked was grim. When had an almost smile on her face, but it competed with a fierceness in her eyes, and a resolved or determined look about her stature. As if the world could not hurt her, but I knew that inside her heart she was just as windswept as I.
Finally we got through the last door, leading to our arrival and where our mother’s family was waiting for us. My uncles gave my mom a hug; as I politely smiled at my cousins. At last we reached the vehicles and, when I got inside the adrenaline and constant fear was swept away by a deep need to sleep. I was washed away on a peaceful sea of dreams.
Chapter 2: Soft Murmurs and Sweet Dreams
The moment I woke up I could hear my family talking, in the car. The soft murmur of words blended together, while I concentrated breathing in the desert air.
Colorado was not like Texas. For many reasons including the fact that while Texas air for the most part, was humid and Colorado air is dry with little or no moisture. It was like breathing in smoke, I would cough and sputter, because I could not breathe and was not used to this place.
I felt a gentle tugging on my sleeve to wake me up. They did not know that I was already awake. I was between the brink of dreams and the consciousness of reality. I looked at my cousin Shania, who was about two years younger than I and was taking the soon-would-be passing of our grandmother harder than I judging by her tear-stained cheeks. Since Shania lived closer to Grandmother Susan and knew her much better.
I was living in a distant reality. After I got out of their car, the slam of the door was louder in the silence, I looked back upon the beauty of the desert that was spread out before me. It was not a sandy desert, but a rocky one that was surrounded by mountains of giants. All the way around the slopes reached until they touched the sky and the icy tips could not be seen. The beauty of the desert called to me. It had given me sweet joy in a time of darkness, then with a flash it was gone.
As I went inside, the absence of the desert beauty, and the smell of slow death left me colder than I was before. It was not cold of the physical body, but rather the soul, heart and mind. No matter how many blankets I put on or jackets I wore I was shivering, so I put on a brave face to see what death had wrought.
Chapter 3: The Stony Silence of Death
The creek of the door was loud in the stony silence. My grandmother was hooked up to a few machines, one of which was supplying her with oxygen. She was asleep with an almost smile on her face, her eyelids downcast, and was snoring softly.
In such a small room there were about fifteen people with watering eyes, crying, sobbing, and with the smell of death in the room I decided that I had already said my goodbye. Before all of this happened.
FLASHBACK
I had already called my mother, my nanny and my dad so there was no need to be nervous, but I had this fluttery feeling in my chest. At random I decided to call one more person, my Grandma Susan. I knew that she had breast cancer, for three years now, but since she lived in Colorado I didn’t get to visit her very often. So, I punched in her number and waited for someone to pick up. It was my Uncle Jonathan; I asked “ to speak with Grandma” and waited for the second time. When I finally got a hold of her we talked about the usual things, for example “how was her family doing, what have they been up to, while she asked about my grades.” the last few words were the most memorable because I asked, “how was she doing; she said fine.” we both knew it was a lie, but it was intended to be a comforting one and I did not use it in vain. I said my “final goodbyes,” and “I love you’s” and shut the phone up with a click.
END OF FLASHBACK
Chapter 4: Waking Up
I felt an insistent pulling on my arm, it was my mom, what now? Though, I didn’t say it out loud, because that would have been very rude.
I peeked out of the blankets and saw that my mom was fighting back tears. It was rare that I ever saw my mother cry, because she was always the strong one.
Immediately I knew that she had passed away, my Grandmother Susan was gone. In a burst of fear, and instead of going to face the affects of death, I ran outside and sat in the shade of the porch and cried for a very long time.
Chapter 5: Becoming the New Me
Months later I was still depressed, my grades were slipping, and I wasn’t the happy-go-lucky person I once was. I became morbid an solemn. The only things that hadn’t really changed about my demeanor were my extreme curiosity, and my intense thirst for knowledge.
On a seemingly normal day I came home from school and my mom pulled me into the living room, sat me down on the couch and we both tried to speak at the same time, but instead started to cry. We cried our hearts out, talked about the death of my grandmother and her mother, what she was like in life, and eventually laughed.
I was not completely healed, but I was on the track to mending my grief-stricken heart. I was becoming the new me.