I sat here taking deep breaths as the fresh air damps on my skin and lingers around my nostrils down to my system. I couldn't come to my senses if the day has been by far beautiful. The day was unusually windy, the gentleness of it disappeared and they were harsh now. If I had been lucky, I hope the wind could take whatever pain that was strolling in me for the past three years. The numb I feel all these years that kept me agonizing. I felt like stifling in this own fantasy of mine. Sometimes, I wish that everything was just a dream. That one day I will be waking up with all these nightmares that have been hunting me, gone. You know, like sleeping beauty. After that long wrenching sleep, she finally wakes up and the most important part, it was her prince charming that had made it. And live happily ever after. I could be. I could be that sleeping beauty, but there will, there can never be a prince charming in my story so that left me sleeping my entire life and all that I wish, shattered. Destroyed by that one fact.
It's been three years. Three years that I've been waiting for him. I've been spending three years of hopeless anticipation and sleepless nightmares that maybe tomorrow he would be showing up, I sighed.
Memories started to flash back across my mind and I tried hard to get rid of them. I want to forget them and I had to, I need to. It is a sin to forget, I know it this much but if forgetting is what it takes for everything to be simple, I would take the offer without any hesitation. Unfortunately, the brain works magic equipped with nerves that makes forgetting difficult; especially things you wish would go away.
My heart jerked as hot tears started to stung and gather on my eyes and I could feel a lump building on my throat. I hate it when this happened. Even if three years had passed, and I should be used to it by now but my hormonal sanctity goes all out and tests me – all the time. I tried to control it but there was no way for me to do it. They started rolling down my cheeks, rushing one after the other. Now, the endearing silence that filled the park could no longer be heard as my tears turn into a sob.
Then as if a bullet was shot straight to my heart as the freshness of the air started to intoxicate me and for the most part, I felt like suffocating. This wasn't the same air, I know the wind has been rather harsh but the smell, the scent that was all around me was totally different. Yet, everything had been different. Different from that day when he said those words, the words that made me hold on until this very moment. The same words that made me complete and lost, all at once. The same words that gave me pleasure and butterflies in my stomach which later on turned out to be a demonic dragon that would swallow me but that doesn’t happen. Even as I hope it would, but it doesn’t. It’s just there hunting me all these years, reminding me of the dreadful past. Those words that made me see stars, rainbows, different colors. A whole new world, like fantasy. Like those in comic books and fairy tales. And those same words made me into this, same words that once made me flutter, have now extirpated me into millions of pieces. But still, I want him back. I'd still make the same act – as I believe it wasn’t a mistake - of loving him even if I knew this was going to happen. I'd still love him and that was certain, the only constant in this wavering ordeal. As if the torture wasn't enough and if ever I had the time to go back, I'd like to feel the pain slowly but surely so I won't be able to take away the pain. And if it gets too unbearable for me then maybe, just maybe by then, it would be less painful and easier to let go.
I stopped. I stared at my watch and it said, 6:30PM. No signs of him, not even one. I started to realize that I've been sitting here for 10 hours now, waiting for him. Same time, same day, with the same morbid ache, I wait for him. But there was nothing. Nothing because I've been blindly spending three years for him to come back, show himself up. And that would never happen and to be more appropriate, that could never happen. Not now, not tomorrow and not even the next day nor the next month. Never. He was, scratch that, he is my everything. My life, my soul, my every breath, my joy and even my pain. He is my heart. Someone who would be there, lurking in the depths of my soul, a ghost that can’t be darned.
After that blinding cognizance, the day has finally come. Today, I have to open my eyes and see that there was no way for him to come back. Three years had pass and gone, and now I have to let go. Let go of everything; his words, promises, his scent, his love but the memories of him will always remain and I'll always remember that. And if I may add, I will never forget what he was and is still to me. With that, smile suddenly starts to form and I have to admit it, it was painful. But I had to.
It was never this hard to accept reality for me and I never thought that there was such day that It would be. So today, I learn to accept the reality that my heart is 6ft. below the ground.