Top Ten Ways to Avoid Mistletoe
An alert from the Anti-Mistletoe Activist Group (AMAG).
Don't you hate it? It's the worst part of Christmas, but it's
always there--lurking deviously behind curtains, doorways, and even
swinging on ceiling fans. The object of concern?
Mistletoe.
Yes, that innocent little bundle of leaves is more than capable of
causing divorces, road rage, and even wars.
How, you ask, might I avoid this minute mongrel?
Well, let me assure you, I am the practiced master at avoiding this
tiny tragedy, and have decided to pass my knowledge to less-fortunate
individuals. Thus, I give you ten ways to avoid coming into the line
of fire from this diminutive dictator.
Number one:
At some Christmas parties, you will find that your host, having gone overboard with his festivities, has hung our teeny tyrant above his front door in order to catch victims unaware. The best way to avoid coming into
contact with his schemes is to walk in, uninvited, through his back
door. Ha! You can't stop it from happening, but, have faith, it can be
evaded!
Number two:
At the same party, your host may be a bit angry that you foiled his
plan for initial smooching, and may hang the petite problem above his
other doors. Do not fear! If all else fails, climb through the window.
If his windows do not open--or if they have alarm systems holding back
your escape--use the chimney. It may not be the cleanest option of
escape, but it is certainly feasible if you trust in that rock-climbing course you took last summer in the event of such an emergency. (If he lacks a chimney, you can revert to the unpopular method of hiding out in his basement until Christmas season has passed. Beware of "no trespassing" signs if this is the option of your choice.)
Number three:
Bosses have a tendency to hang our pretentious predator above the
doorway to his office, and, if you have an urge to beg for a raise, it
may be difficult to do so without being assaulted by admiring fellow
employees. There is a solution; bribe the window washers into taking
you to the boss's window, where you can knock, pleading him to open
the window and save you from your assailants. Ah, crisis averted, whether you get the raise or not! (Getting back out may cause a problem, but, if you are quick, you may be able to catch the window washers on their way down. If not, strap the boss's curtains to your waist and use them as a parachute. Coats work, too.)
Number four:
School Christmas dances can often be difficult, and, if I were you, I
would avoid the unprotected gym at all costs; but if you remain fixed
on going, I have a word of advice: never… enter… through… the doors!
The fire escape and air vent connected to the principal's office are
much safer options. (If in choosing the latter, don't wear a rented
tux or a $500 prom dress. You'll thank me later.)
Number five:
Some stores in your local mall might find it amusing to taunt you
with the midget mishap. They often place it in doorways, in aisles,
and above displays, so watch where you stand. To avoid this encounter, use mail-in catalogues and online shopping sites. Problem
solved.
Number six:
Some pranksters enjoy popping out of dumpsters and from behind fences to hold the small stinker above your head. To best avoid this unattractive display, always carry an umbrella with you--preferably one that pops out at the touch of a button. Another way to sidestep this situation is to never leave your house. Hey, you do the math! (Or, you could just run and risk slipping on the icy sidewalks and being caught anyway. Of course, this last option does not apply to those of us in the deep South. We can just run and hope not to get run over by the kids in shorts riding their bikes home from school.)
Number seven:
If I were you, I would avoid dating around the Christmas season for
this reason: if you are taking half of what I am saying seriously, you
should know that we Anti-Mistletoe activists are the sane ones. The alien
Pro-Mistletoe nuts were not meant for us. However, in dating someone
who has not yet shown their true colors, we can be tricked by that old
mistletoe-in-the-pocket routine. Guard your kisser, friends; puny
problems can be whisked out and over your head in an instant,
brainwashing you and making you think that there has never been a more
attractive person in the universe. (Note: actually, if you have been
taking half of what I’m saying seriously, you should not be dating in the first place.)
Number eight:
If you are visiting a friend's house while they are decorating for
the Christmas holiday, they might find it humorous to trap you by
hanging the microscopic mischance around their doors and windows--
this is especially dangerous if they were at the party mentioned in
options one and two, because they now know at least one of your escape
methods. Because they are friends, it is safe to take out a pair of sewing scissors and cut the trivial tribulation from the ceiling (Author's note: do not attempt this maneuver at any other location!!!!!! You might be looking for a new job before the Holidays are over.).
Number nine:
Believe it or not, I have actually seen a gargantuan mistletoe
hanging in the entrance to a parking garage! In case this bantam barrier ever stands between your car and snow-less protection, the best way to avoid it is thus: Park your car under the "employees only" covered parking area! Relax, you don't need to be an employee--as long as you don't get caught. If you are too timorous to attempt the "employee maneuver," just walk to the mall or hire a valet. But beware; they will want to be paid in something besides hot chocolate after work.
Number ten:
The best way to avoid all of the above, and is thus the top of my
ten, is the sensible mission of not leaving your house after Thanksgiving and staying locked up until after New Years. It is easy to hoard enough food to last you, because, if you dread mistletoe, you are single, and only have your mouth to feed. Just run to Wal-mart and plan out one meal for the forty days you'll be imprisoned safely in
your home, watching television and doing all of those things you never
had time to do (examples; studying a dead language or learning to decode Egyptian hieroglyphics). Hey, if Noah could survive the ark for forty days, than you can survive forty days in the comfort of your house or apartment!
I hope these brilliant methods for surviving the Christmas season
have been beneficial. To those of you who are not AMAG (Anti-Mistletoe
Activist Group) members and would like to join, visit us on the Web at:
www.avoidthedangersofmistletoeandstopthedisgustingdisplaysthereof@notrealweb.com/membership/torch_da_toe.
Oh, and in other news, in the reading of this article you have
completely omitted me from any law suits carrying thus from breaking
and entering, bribery, umbrella assault, unauthorized parking, and
vandalism, for which you can be arrested from taking the advice of a
minor who has never yet come into contact with one of these tragedies
brought on by mistletoe and henceforth denies all claims she has
a very vivid imagination.