Interesting title isn't it? So odd and out of place in this world. So harsh and intentional. Think and ponder on that...and now you have my life. I have gone through life believing two things. One, I must succeed over everything to be "real" and "worth something", and two, at the worst of times, that I am not significant and I have no role. You ask now, how can a person believe and the answer is quite simple. I hope you know as I do that, as a child is in his/her younger years they are more manipulatable and can live as all other children do; in ignorance. well that was me, i was passed like football from player to player in this big game of life....so far i have made 2 passes and thankfully been caught each time. As all of you know, at the end of each end zone is a touchdown is it not? well, i have yet to reach that. I feel as if i am still floating in peoples hands as they run with me and it is only a matter of time when i will be passed on. But, after a while, I felt something. I was becoming heavier. Slowly, in spirit, I was becoming heavier. But this, this was good heavy, everything was starting to attach to me. A family, a role, a choice, and a love. And i started to think, has all the pain i have been through, is it leading to this? and i decided yes. However, in consequence to the 14 years that i felt like nothing, and i had no self worth, it had taken its toll. What i believed as a child, and what i started to realize before i realized the truth, was that only through hurting others could i ever truly get back at my parents for what they did. For all of you that read my last entry ( the pitch black soul) you know just what i did. I formed him, and as a consequence i depended on him till this day, so much that he in affect became my other half. And unfortunately i fear being hurt by this world so much that i refuse to let him go because he doesn't let anyone hurt me without consequence. Even now i believe that if i am to stop from being hurt, then i must make them fear the consequence. And it has worked...and i have lost almost everything because of it. And unfortunately, because he is there in ignorance, no matter how hard i try i can't believe the truth, and it rips me apart....for all of you who are in the same situation as me, don't do what i did. Don't let who you are change, don't create that mask who supposedly is there to help you but only hides you from this world.....and makes you lose everything in the process. I live by one key saying that i made: those you who chose to live in ignorance only do so to justify their actions with petty lies, those who accept the truth must believe that the consequences of their actions were their own.” for those of you who understand this, live by it. For those who don't, i will pray that you do. Lastly, always remember that if you are waiting and waiting in the darkness for someone to come, it could be that they never will because they are in the same situation as you. This is an example that basically, sometimes to find peace, you must go through hardships, and to feel, you must be hurt a thousand times. Just know that when you are hurt, it gives that opportunity to rise, so take it and go because sometimes you wont get a second.
Sincerely,
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