A Teddy Bear Tombstone
In a graveyard in New Hampshire there is a tombstone shaped like a teddy bear. I’ll never forget the first time I saw it; the grey marble was polished and clean, weeds around it plucked and trimmed. I found out later that Mrs. Ryckman cleaned it with Windex every time they went to visit her. Today would have been her 10th birthday. Katelyn Ryckman died when she was just 7 months old; before she really even had a chance to live. This somber truth hung over us as the car pulled up, slowly crunching gravel, and finally, stopped with a shudder. We all got out; Brianna, her mom, my mom, and me. For the past couple years I’ve been mentored a young girl named Brianna Ryckman. I always say I should write a book called
Conversations with An 8-Year-Old because she is simply amazing and, despite her age, we have the best discussions. We talk about our faith, about God, and also about her older sister, Katelyn. Brianna never met her sister and has always longed to. Brianna’s favorite painting in the whole house is hung above the fireplace in the living room. It is a merge of two different photos; The first picture is of little Katelyn in Mrs. Ryckman’s arms, smaller than a loaf of bread, the second of Mr. Ryckman holding a bouncing 2 year old, Brianna. She really likes that painting because, even though she was born 3 years after Katelyn’s death, it shows them all together as a family. Memories of the painting and Brianna’s sad smile filled my mind as we walked towards the grave site. Holding Brianna’s hand in mine, we meandered through the plots and suddenly found ourselves in front of a name engraved in marble. Mrs. Ryckman went right to work pulling out the weeds that had re-grown and replacing the dead flowers with a fresh bouquet. I stood there holding 10 little candles and a sister who had been unknowingly left behind. Brianna held, in her other hand, a very special cake; a cake made of roses. I’ve never seen anything so beautiful. I stuck in the candles and lit them. They left my hand waxy and cold. She put the cake down. The Ryckman’s don’t sing much so she asked me to sing. Happy birthday dear Katelyn, happy birthday to you. The last note hovered over the grave. We all cried. Days later Mrs. Ryckman told me that she had never heard anything more beautiful. And it was beautiful; even though I had been crying and my voice cracked on the octave jump. Mostly I think we sang for Brianna, and despite the mistakes, celebrating the baby girl's life in song was the single most beautiful, perfect, Godly thing I have done in my entire 18 years of life. I thank God for that moment. It changed my perspective on music, my view of God, my definition of Holiness. It changed my life. And I’ll never forget what happened after next. Mrs. Ryckman knelt down, took the hands of her crying daughter, smiled, and said, “They’re having a party in heaven Brianna. I bet there’s a whole bunch of balloons.”
That moment has had an incredible impact on my Christian faith and my life. It made me realize that God’s Holiness was not defined by one’s happiness or current state or emotion. God is just as holy in the desert as he is on the mountain. Up until that point I had really only been on the mountains. Sure, I’ve had my grievances, but they are nothing compared to the anguish of losing a child. Never before had I shared in someone else’s suffering on that level. Seeing Mrs. Ryckman stand at the foot of her eldest daughter’s grave exposed me to a sadness I had never known until that moment. Experiencing that pain brought the sovereignty of God into sharp focus. He allowed for this little girl to be taken away from two wonderful people who would have loved her and raised her to love the Lord. It seems to unjust, so unfair. But after all it is a broken world that we live in. God allows for some really terrible things to happen, but he also provides blessings. He gave the Ryckman’s another precious child and He blessed them with the strength to remember, love, and accept. And through it all He was good. And through it
all He IS good. Even now Mr. and Mrs. Ryckman tell the testimony of the blessing of Katelyn’s life and death and they express their deep gratitude for being granted those 7 months with their daughter. Their profound response to personal suffering has open my ees to the sovereignty of God. I have felt this with my eyes as their words stream down as salt water. I have seen this with my fingers as they wrapped around 8 year old’s grieving hand. I have tasted this with my ears as Mrs. Ryckman consoled that same hand with a whisper of parties and Heaven. I believe that there are some questions that will never be answered, some pains that will never be healed, and some memories that will never fade. But I also believe that Jesus Christ died in order that our sins are forgiven because sovereign God wishes more than anything that we know Him and dwell in His House forever and ever. That is the reasons we were created. That is the reason I live. That is what I learned as I gazed at teddy bear tombstone.