I grew up in China and moved to United States when I was in seventh grade. Back in China, I was not a sedulous student, because my friends and I had so many things to enjoy and we were tempted to just get meeting standard, sometimes approaching standard, on homework. We did not consider school work as the priority and we were foud of our lives even though we were not top students. If I can say I did not have much to worry about during school year, then I can also say I had nothing to worry about during summers. I held deep appreciation toward my life and never could I think it would arouse animosity inside me.
When my mom informed me that we were moving to America, I glared at her and soon burst into tears. I did not dread living in a new environment. In fact, I could not imagine the moment when I had to say goodbye to everything in my hometown. Dad put me into a bilingual school as I arrived at America. although I assimilated quickly at this school, I was tired of the dramas in my class. When it was time to apply for high schools, I put down some high schools different that the ones my classmates put down in order to get as far from them as possible.
Even though it is lucky for me, an English language learner, to get into a competitive high school, this entirely English-speaking environment stresses me out. I am isolated in this community and the way I deal with that is by making my schedule very full, which doesn't leave me much time to think about life. As a matter of fact, I do not have any hobbies but sleeping. Finally I could not take all the pressure anymore and I went to see a psychologist. She thought it was interesting how I have matured these years and she wanted me to tell her why I had changed so much.
I didn't realize that my dad had a low wage until I came to America. When I was in China, my mom gave me money willingly and periodically. But when I moved to America, I saw how difficult my dad's job was. He works for many hours and he has to endure extreme coldness or heat, mainly because he is a vendor. Mom doesn't give me money constantly anymore and I don't ask my parents for money until I have to. Although I had to wait in a line to buy cheap products one year ago, I didn't mind as long as I could save some money. Until one day, my family got a food stamp. Henceforth, we eat like rich people. I am still afraid of using cash, because I know my dad needs more money to raise my sisters and I need money to go to college. My friends joked with me and said I was obsessed with money, but I took that as an insult and swore to make more money than them when I grew up.
I admire my cousins, whose successful lives prove how perseverance leads to a better future. My cousin, Hong, is an immigrant from China too. Although lack of money prevented her from getting an education in America right away, she got jobs and used her own money to pay for college. Working and studying in a new country was not easy, but what I saw on her journals were self encouragements. Life could be even harder for my other cousin, J, who lives in England. Ten years ago, she went abroad to study in England by herself. All these years, she tried to push her homesickness to the back of her head by putting all her effort in studying and starting a new life. Everything was paid off when she got a high-paying job. As she reminisced the difficulties she had encountered in England, the only thing she told me was to set higher goals.
I shared different views with my friends in America. When I was in a class with all of my friends, we hung out after school very often and we had really good times. Although I wasn't a top student in China, at least I was willing to finish all tasks my teachers gave me and I brought this habit to America. After I met my cousins and aunt, I spent even more time on studying. My friends knew I was a studious student and they hesitated to ask me out.. While they were talking about love relationships and dramas in the class, I worried about my grade. The advantage of attending after school programs was to learn more English and prepare for state exams, but the drawback was that I almost had no time to go out with my friends. After the exams finally ended, I visited my friends and found out that we barely had anything to talk about. We were almost like strangers and this weak bond gave me a message that I would never make good, real friends in America.
My inadequate English made me rectitude. In my middle school, everyone was an immigrant from China and we had light homework. When I just entered my high school, not only did I have to learn how to get along with other people, I also had to learn how to complete different assignments. Without friends, I did not know whom to sit with during lunch period. After half a year, everyone got friends and sat in groups, whereas I asked other strangers if I could sit at their tables. Life was like this for almost one year, until three months before summer vacation, I got acquainted with this Asian girl who is also an immigrant from China. Although she introduced me to her other friends, I am still alone in my free time. My classmates and I are different in the way we talk, behave and think. I feel lonely and the only way to stop me from thinking negatively is using all my time to study. As school work grows heavier, I have more pressure. I want to relax, but I deliberately busy myself with other things if I am done with homework. After all, I am just a robot.
My innocent childhood is gone. What companies me is a hollow body and a gloomy atmosphere. I no longer want to have free time, as images of past will pass through my mind when I am not occupied by work. People say I am diligent and almost obsessed with studying, but they don't know my life is losing spirits and I am losing myself. There are exceptions. When I am with my uncle, whom I consider a friend since I can remember, I pretend to be a child. It seems as if we can all go back to the carefree time at my grandma's house. The truth is, this new environment is always changing me, but it is not going to change me into that old self. All I can do is to drag my soul along the empty street, waiting for someone to tell me what to do.