Semper Fidelis
“Maybe I’m a lesbian.” I shrugged and realized that being a lesbian wouldn’t actually fix any of my problems. “You’re an idiot. You’re also confused. Boys like confidence, and that’s why they don’t like you. You hate yourself.” My little sister always has a way of making a situation sound so hopeless. She was right. I was pathetic. I wanted nothing more than to be sickly thin and beautiful.
My twisted perception of beauty left me hating everything about my body. When I was in the sticky tar pit of it, I started cutting. At the time, all I wanted to eat was a shotgun. After a few years of drafting suicide notes, my sister found one and asked me about it. She begged me to stop and I did. I slapped on a fake smile and pretended that everything was alright. I was trapped. I knew that I would never think I was beautiful unless a boy did. My level of hope was slim to none.
When I was a freshman, I met an Asian kid named Kevin. He thought I was somewhat interesting, so he wasted eight months of his life with me. The first few months we were engulfed in infatuation, and the rest we were filled with hate and false pretense. Our relationship was on and off- mostly off. One of the times we broke up, I had unconsentual drunken sex with a boy whose name never came up. When we started going back out, Kevin blamed the happening on me. He would always remind me of what a “----” I was. I realized that he would never forgive me and we broke up. Relationships were spoiled for me and I was convinced I would never be happy again.
By the time I was a sophomore, I wasn’t confident in my looks, but I was confident in my independence. I figured that if I could go so long without a boyfriend, there was no need for one. I was better off alone. There was a promise I made to myself that I wouldn’t let any boy sweep me off my feet in high school. High school relationships were pointless and disappointing.
My mind was set of my new “alpha” personality, and I was finally comfortable.
In the rush of the annoying freshmen and clatter of people screaming, I sat in the corner of the ROTC room during drill team. A kid walked over and stood awkwardly. Without even looking at his face, my girly nature to flirt kicked in. I flipped my hair and complimented him on his deep blue Pokémon shirt. “Cool shirt. My mom never let me watch the show. She thought it was an attempt from the devil to corrupt me.” I couldn’t believe that was the best I had. “That sucks. It’s the best show in the world.” He was more confident in his words. I said “I’m sure it is” and walked away.
I didn’t pay any attention to him until the following Saturday at the ROTC field meet. Something kicked in. I don’t know why but I was drawn to this kid. He seemed so respectful and positive - something I was not used to. Every time he went somewhere, I followed.
That day, my mom and my older brother attended the field meet. I pulled my mother closer and whispered into her ear. “That’s the kid I like.” I pointed to Pokémon shirt boy. “Oh! What’s his name?” She sounded so hopeful. “I’m not sure. I think its Travis or something.” My brother had to butt in. “Or something? Are you gonna marry him?” I rolled my eyes. Of course he would say something like that. “Yeah. I’ll marry him” I said sarcastically. Later, I asked somebody what his name was. “Trevor Brown.”, they said. I thought about how my last name could never be Brown, and I was sure it was settled.
Even after a year from our final break up, Kevin still popped up every once in a while to call me a few names and blame me for ruining his life. I just tolerated it, and I could usually get away with ignoring him. Until one day, I couldn’t take it anymore. I was sitting at my lunch table and I saw Kevin headed towards the stage with his security buddy, who was following him like a greasy shadow. “Here we go again.” I put down my tray. He got in my face and spilled my water everywhere. “You’re worthless! Why won’t you just die?” There was spit spewing from his mouth when he said it. I held back the tears felt and the chill go down my spine. I stared at him straight in the eye and said, “You don’t scare me. Get out of my way.” I was proud of myself. I went down the steps and cleaned up the mess from the water.
A few minutes after, the bell rang for us to go back to class. I walked over to an enclosed area in the hallway to process what had just happened. When I walked back to class, Kevin was there with Trevor Brown. “What are you doing, Kevin?” He winked at Trevor and said, “Good luck. She’s a mess.” I flicked Kevin off as he walked away. I’ve never done that before. I was still confused as to why Trevor was standing in front of my classroom. With a shaky voice, he said, “Do you want to go out with me?” I said yes. And he said “Cool.” I smiled coyly
As I left the class, Kevin followed me and tried to explain that the attack in the lunchroom was just a ploy. He said that he was making me mad so I would be vulnerable and say yes to Trevor. It sounded like bull to me so I ignored him and kept walking.
The first month with Trevor was vastly uncomfortable. Everything about him was awkward. His fingernails were too short, our awkward pauses were too long, and I felt smothered. He was extremely unfamiliar with the idea of having a relationship, and it showed. I also had a best friend named Danny, and I was with him a lot. My dad said I had to choose between my friendship with Danny, and my awkward relationship with Trevor. I chose Danny. I knew I had to end it with Trevor, but I was too scared. Luckily, a snake named Britani found out about my decision, and told him. He called me and asked me about it. I told him about what my dad said. His cracked throat let out an “If that‘s what you want.” and he hung up. I felt terrible. A few weeks later, Danny moved and I never talked to him again.
The following months, Trevor and I became close friends. Things still grew awkward between us because he told me he “loved” me, and I didn’t reciprocate the feelings. He had no shame in telling all of our friends that he was madly in love with me, and they couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to be with him. “Sonja, just go out with him.” I would ignore them.
Later that year, we ventured to Montgomery, Alabama. Before we left, a junior named Drew Williams told me he liked me and naturally, I flocked to him. We flirted the whole way over to Montgomery, Alabama. I slept on his shoulder and we kissed on the bus. I didn’t know at the time, but Trevor was watching us the whole time. I had no idea that he was sobbing in the back of the bus.
Things with Drew and I ran its course, and he went back to his girlfriend. I was heart broken. In the beginning, I was so shocked that somebody like Drew would like me. It was way too good to be true. He was popular and a grade higher than me. I regretted ever letting myself fall for him. Every night, I used to pray that somebody would care about me and think I was pretty. I wanted somebody who I could cuddle with on rainy Sunday’s and watch countless Lifetime movie marathons. I doubted I would ever find it. If it did happen, I was sure it wouldn’t happen in high school. I put my guard back up and pushed everybody away who wanted to be close to me. In my eyes, everybody had potential to hurt me.
As summer came around, I stayed on the Marine and Navy base with my brother in Norfolk, Virginia for two weeks. I was stuck at his house babysitting his baby the whole time, while he spent the nights with his girlfriend. I sensed a lot of romance films and social networking in my future. I started talking to Trevor again. We talked every day and night, and I tried to be there for him when he needed to vent. He had a lot going on with his family. His mom was doing drugs, and his stepfather was abusive. I wanted to save him so bad. The only thing I could do to help was offer my friendship, and I did.
When school started back up, I started looking at Trevor as a potential boyfriend. As much as I hated to admit it, I didn’t want to be alone anymore. I secretly cried into my pillow wanting somebody to love me. The more I prayed about it, the more I realized that I could’ve given up on Trevor way too early in the game. I told my mom how I was feeling. “Honey, that boy is pining after you. Just give him a chance.” I explained to her that I didn’t want to suddenly stop liking him again and hurt him even more. “Sonja, we all have flaws. You’re going to be alone forever if you don’t take a chance every one in a while” Forever sounded like a long time. She was right, but I still hadn’t made up my mind.
A few days later Trevor and I went to the game to hang out with all of our friends. After the game, we found a quiet spot in the grass. I remember feeling the fresh cut blades go in between my fingers and toes, as I waited for Trevor to talk. The scent brought nostalgia of my father coming in from cutting the grass on Sunday mornings and lying in the bed with me when I was a little girl. Then Trevor said it. “Do you think we’ll ever go out again?” My stomach turned and my knuckles popped. If I was going to go out with him, I didn’t want it to be like this. “I’m sorry, but probably not”
After the weekend passed, I had already decided that I definitely wouldn’t go out with Trevor again. I couldn’t stand to put him through anymore pain. Later that day, we all fell in to dismiss at drill team and received our briefing. After we were told to go home, I walked over to say bye to Trevor before I left. He gave me a hug and a look I will never forget. As he started to walk away, I told him to come back. “Will you be my boyfriend, again?” He glared at me. “Are you joking?” I smiled and shook my head. He said of course he would.
After a few months into the relationship, Trevor made the decision to join the Marine Corps. He was sworn in and I was almost more excited than he was. He had a rough childhood and need to get away as quick and far as possible. I knew that it would be hard to be in a relationship with a Marine, but I had no idea what was in store. I’ve spent my whole life being told it wasn’t okay to cry or be weak, so I built my walls and promised never to crumble. When he was about to leave, I wept.
The motto for the Marine Corps is semper fidelis, the Latin translation of always faithful. When Trevor signed his papers to be a Marine, I did too. I promised to be “always faithful”, and I will keep that promise to the day I die.
I’ve been with Trevor for over a year and I have fallen so hard in love with him. I overlooked him for years and never saw that my future soul mate was in right front of me the entire time. We know that we’re young, but when we’re together I feel like we have been together for sixty years. He’s my heart and my soul, my best friend, and my punching bag. Trevor is the most beautiful person on the inside and out. He is the strongest person I have ever met and I strive to be like him one day. He brings out all of the vulnerability I thought I never had, and makes me feel like the most beautiful person on the planet. He treats me like royalty. When I’m with him, I’m invincible and nothing can touch me. Trevor is not only a hero to our country, but a hero in my life.
While he is in Marine Corps basic training, everyday is harder than the next. People are always trying to tell me how I feel or how I should or should not feel. To lift my chin, sometimes I just imagine Trevor and I doing the “funky chicken” on our eightieth wedding anniversary. Even though he’s gone now, I’ve never been closer to him. I have to remember that when he returns, every moment will be filled with cuddling on rainy Sundays and watching Lifetime movie marathons. Being with a man like Trevor is nothing short of perfect. When I think about hating myself, I didn’t need to change at all to feel wanted. Trevor wants every part of me, just as I am.
Semper fidelis is more than just a motto to me. It’s a constant reminder of how lucky I am. I will always be faithful to Trevor as long as we both shall live.